I saw this on post secret this morning and I couldn't believe how much I could relate to it. Yeah, yeah, kinda emo I know but I have been trying to figure out how I can get out of my shell a bit to meet people. The longer I go without friends the harder it gets to get out there and meet people.





This is a vicious cycle I have gotten myself into. I really don't know how to get out of this loop. I have to get my courage up enough to just be around people and in situations where I might meet interesting people. I have so much anxiety though it makes it hard to over come my fears where I can feel comfortable in a social setting. Also it sucks that I feel so depressed because that certainly doesn't attract others. I don't think I would want to be friends with me when I am being such a sour puss.

I love being a pagan but sometimes I am envious of religions that have a temple on every street. How much easier it would be to just be able to go to church and meet like minded people. I have gone to one of the local pagan meet-ups and it went well though I felt extremely self conscious. I haven't been able to get up my nerve to go to another one.

Trying to deal with this is a work in progress.

Good: I lost 7 lbs this first week. I don't expect to lose it all that quickly but it was nice to see some noticeable difference so quickly.

Good: I went to see a neurologist this week. He wasn't too worried about the abnormalities on my MRI. I have to get another MRI of my cervical spine and a follow up one in 6 months to see if the changes are progressing. The best thing I got out of the visit was samples of a migraine medication call Relpax. The amazing news is that it WORKED! Two times now I have had a migraine and within 40 minutes of taking the Relpax is was 90% better. I am really excited since this is the first medication I've tried that actually made a difference.

Bad: I have felt so depressed this week, especially today. I feel so lonely and at this rate I am starting to worry that I will never have friends again. I would give anything to be able to just have a friend to hang out with some time. I feel so isolated.

The mouse: The past few weeks I have been thinking I saw a mouse in the house. A few times I caught a glimpse of something black of the corner of my eye. This week we finally saw the mouse. He has decided it wants to live underneath my altar. Last night I got a good glimpse of him and he is so tiny, gray and cute. No way can I kill him. I know I need to get a live trap to try to put him outside but instead I left him a little bowl of water and some cereal out as an offering which he accepts readily.

I've performed CPR many times working as an ICU nurse. I have also had to shock people including last night being the most recent time. By shock I mean the way they always seem to revive people on TV right after they yell "Clear!". Unlike on TV that shock is only used in a few particular circumstances, not on every single dead person like they make it out to be on TV.

I can remember the first time I did it over 13 years ago. That particular patient did not make it but through the years I would say I have effectively help revive several people, at least temporarily.

In the hospital setting we don't do "mouth to mouth" rather we have devices with a mask that we can place over the patient's mouth that we compress to deliver oxygen.

I saw the cherry eating coyote in my backyard again this afternoon. I was surprised to see her out so early in the evening. Usually I have been seeing her either at daybreak or dusk but today she was out there around 5 pm.



I want so much to try to get a closer look at her but I know it's best not to get her acclimated to humans.

I think she is a beautiful creature and I love the fact that I can get this kind of wildlife show in my backyard.

The pictures of the deer didn't turn out too well because it was still mostly dark. There were actually four other deer in a little herd with this one but we didn't get a shot.



Last night we finally got a quick glimpse of the barn owl heading out for his nightly hunt. We also found a huge feather that I think must belong to him.

So far right around our house we have seen: deer, coyote, skunks, squirrel, raccoons, frogs, opossum, owl, quail, doves, hummingbirds and numerous other birds.

Did I mention how much I love living here?

My plans to go to the Pine Mountain Observatory to camp and have a look through their telescopes this weekend got rained on. I was really hoping to get in some good viewing especially since it was a dark moon weekend. It was really overcast all weekend so astronomy was out for sure. I feel pretty disappointed. I am itching to use my telescope too but since I got it in January there has barely been any clear nights that I have been off from work. Right now my telescope is collecting dust in the family room. I am really looking forward to some clear nights soon hopefully.
We did end up going to the Newberry National Volcanic Monument near Bend, Oregon. It was really interesting. The landscape looked really similar to the Craters of the Moon Monument in Idaho. Standing there among the jagged rocks in that harsh environment I really tried to imagine what it must have looked like all those years ago when the volcano was erupting. It is hard to fathom.
I wish we could have spent more time there but we kinda overslept. Must go back some day and fully explore that area.

Since it is Father's Day I gave my dad a call this afternoon. It was pretty awkward as usual. I feel like he doesn't even know who I am. I feel bad because the only reason I called was because I knew he would expect it and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. He kinda made my childhood miserable.

I feel really sad for my boyfriend. This is the first Father's Day for him since his dad passed away. A part of me feels guilty for not getting along with my dad because here he is having to deal with not even having a dad around at all. I wish there was some way I could comfort him but I know the wound is so fresh right now there probably isn't much I can say that would help. I only met his dad once but I really liked him which is unusual for me for the first meeting. Usually it takes a bit for someone to grow on me but I liked him immediately. I wish so badly he was still around-for my boyfriend and for me. I wish I could have known him better.

It has been a long weekend and I am so tired. I wish I had more energy to have a fire outside tonight to celebrate Midsummer. Maybe later tonight after I have had a rest.
One last note-Tonight right at dusk I went into the backyard to toss out some old apples and I saw a coyote and five deer hanging out in the orchard. The coyote I have nicknamed Cherry because I have seen her out there before eating cherries from the ground. The deer didn't seem to mind her being around much. I guess since she was alone they didn't feel threatened.
We did get a picture of her last week that I will try to post when I get a chance.

Just read this in the news.

An Italian woman who arrived late for the Air France plane flight that crashed in the Atlantic last week has been killed in a car accident.

That's pretty damn weird if you ask me.

A 100-year-old bottle of wine made from the grapes of a vine I will plant when I am 50 years of age.

I found out today my MRI showed some areas of abnormality in my brain.

Fuck.

As if I need any more reasons to feel like a complete freak.
I have to go to a neurologist now. Good times.

Here is a picture of my brain that I got from an MRI today!



I have the entire study as well as a pictures of my CAT scan. I think it is so cool to see my brain. Just to look at it and think, everything I am, every thought I have ever had, my entire self is contained in those few inches of gray matter. I can't stop looking at them. I think I am going to try to make some kind of art project with the images.
Unfortunately the reason I have had to get these studies done is that I have a headache that has lasted over a month :( So far they haven't found anything.
Anyway, this picture is about the most intimate thing I have ever posted on LJ.

My dream house would have a wing that was totally dedicated to my rats. It would have have a big enclosed area where I could let them run about. The hallway to their room would be decorated to look like a sewer pipe, just for the hell of it. Their room would be furnished with tons of little tunnels and nooks for the ratties to hide and play. In the center of the room would be a large, ornate throne where I could sit and watch all my minions run around and I could oversee my kingdom of rats. Then I would really be the Rat Goddess. Haha! My house would also come with it's own exotic animal vet and private chef that could make all my rats favorite foods.

Obviously this isn't all I would want in a dream house but it would be a great start.