Yesterday morning I woke up with a nagging pain in my abdomen. I got out of bed and took some antacid thinking maybe that might help. Over the next few minutes the pain intensified from a dull ache to a full on searing pain in my upper abdomen right below my sternum. Normally I have to have my arm twisted to go to a doctor but 5 minutes later the pain was so bad I woke Michael up to take me to the hospital. I am so grateful Michael was here to take me to the hospital otherwise I would have had to call an ambulance. No way could I have driven myself. The pain continued to increase to completely intolerable. I can't even remember most of the ride to the hospital. Of course the ER is backed up and it takes probably 30-45 minutes before I can be seen. Meanwhile the pain is so bad I am freaking out and screaming into my jacket, crying and pretty much acting like a fool. I was covered in sweat and doing lamaze breathing just to keep from going insane.I am sure everyone in the ER thought I was being a complete baby but seriously this was the 2nd worse pain I have ever felt. The first was when I had a kidney stone. I pretty much thought I was done for because I couldn't imagine how this was going to turn out good for me.
Anyway, by the time they get to see me the pain had actually started subsiding. Thank the Gods! The most intense pain passed and I was left with a duller pain that I could tolerate and at least speak in complete sentences.
Blood draws, IV starts, IV fluids, an EKG and an ultrasound later the doctor told me I have gallstones. Stones as in more than one. Luckily there didn't seem to be an infection though my white count was slightly up.  He gave me a prescription for Vicodin and the name of a surgeon.
I am grateful to know what is going on but anyway...FUCK! I have insurance but it won't cover everything. I am still paying for the CT and MRI I had to get this past summer. Plus, I am terrified of surgery.
Fuck my life.

Here is a picture of me and my kitty, Gelfling.




This is a picture of the mask I made for Samhain. I learned the technique from some great teachers: Brian, Wendy and Toby Froud. I took a workshop with them during the summer. I am still learning but I like the way this one turned out.

According to an article on the People magazine web site, Britney Spears bought a parakeet today.  A yellow one.  I saw a link to the article and I just had to read it due to the pure insanity of it actually being "news". I can't even believe this qualifies mentioning. Are we so obsessed with stars that even something as mundane as buying a parakeet becomes important for us to know?
What's next? Will I wake up tomorrow to read that Brad Pitt has reportedly eaten a grape? Am I as much a part of the problem because I actually did read that stupid article about the parakeet?

Right now I pretty much hate consciousness. I crave the calmness and peace of oblivion but when I close my eyes I have horrible nightmares. They involve things that would be exactly the most disturbing to me. They are all about animal mutilation and torture-something that is the most horrific thing in the entire universe that I can imagine. Why would I dream something so horrific? There are visions that haunted me for days. Images so graphic I feel physically ill to recall.
The only other thing I dream of is about a close friend that died this year. It is a very eerie image. He is always standing by me just watching and speaking to me. His mouth moves but no sounds come out.I can't hear what he is saying and then I remember he is dead.  I try to speak but he can't hear me either.He fades away while I scream at him to wait and tell me what message he is trying to get across.

What is he trying to tell me?

Feral kitten loves me! Made a major breakthrough today and now he kisses me and walks around on my shoulders and purrs like crazy. I am pretty excited. He was a totally wild animal just last week and now he is my buddy. I thought it would take months for him to progress this much. I was able to find out today that he is a little boy. He looks entirely black at first glance but is actually a deep chocolate color mixed with black. I will try to get a picture of him in a few days when he is more settled in. Now I have to think of a name. So far "Gelfling" is in the running. I think I will wait and see if he tells me his true name.

Thanks be to Goddess Bastet for helping me communicate with him that I meant him no harm and wanted to be friends.

The first phase of Operation Feral Cat Herding is complete. I have in my possession one very frightened black kitten..and I am still in one piece.  I can't believe how well my plan to trap him/her? worked. I have been planning the ambush for several days, conditioning it to eat from the trap without setting it and preparing a cage for it to live in once the operation was complete. Now comes the really hard part--trying my hand at taming. He might be too old to tame at this point but at least he can have a visit to the Oregon Feral Cat Coalition to be spayed/neutered and vaccinated. If I don't have any luck with the taming eventually I will release him back into the old barn behind my house where he was born. I really want to give him a chance at a "normal" life though
i am glad he is safe now. I have been worried the coyotes or the barn owls were going to get him. I know he hates me right now and is probably plotting my slow death at the tips of his teeth and claws.
I should make an offering to Bastet tonight and ask for her help with this little one.

I would be going straight to Amazon to buy a metric fuck ton of books. Oh, the agony of having to decide which ones to spend it on. It is bad enough when I have $20.00 to spend there. I fret and fret about what stays in my cart. In the process I usually end up adding several more titles to my wish list. It is an unstoppable circle of book buying and book browsing.  Considering I live near Powell's Books, which is the best book store in the world, you would think I wouldn't have much use for Amazon. I hate shopping in real life though. Well, maybe not for books so much but just shopping in general-the people, the lines, the endless walking. There is something so grand about sitting here at my computer and browsing until I collapse. So yes, please send my certificate now. I am ready to shop.
Oh, and I might share a little of it with my sister and probably half with my boyfriend.

Unless I needed the money for food or survival I would turn it in no matter where I found it. I can only imagine what a bad feeling it must be to realize you have lost your money. Imagine how happy you would make a complete stranger if you returned the cash!
For me turning it in would be the right thing to do. No amount of money is worth a guilty conscience.

When I am hit with depression this hard every cell in my body hurts. The best way I can describe it is being covered with a giant, wet blanket that makes it very difficult to move or breath. It hurts to inhale, blink or move my eyes in my sockets.  I hurts to shift my weight in my chair. It hurts even typing this. Depression hurts me in a physical way. The physical pain is  almost worse than the emotional pain.
All I have to look forward to today is hours and hours of feeling this pain.
I am not doing well.

I have been rude when someone announces that they are pregnant and I ask them what they plan to do about it.


I think it is really rude when someone asks how much money I make. That's a private matter to me. I have found the best answer is "why do you ask?" That usually gives them a hint that they are getting a little too personal.
Another kicker is when people ask me why I got a divorce. Relationships can be so complicated that answer would take all day to give it justice.. I think it is off limits.