Tales of the spiral

Scary Solstice to all!

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 03:10:39 GMT

Painful awakening

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 23:25:25 GMT

Yesterday morning I woke up with a nagging pain in my abdomen. I got out of bed and took some antacid thinking maybe that might help. Over the next few minutes the pain intensified from a dull ache to a full on searing pain in my upper abdomen right below my sternum. Normally I have to have my arm twisted to go to a doctor but 5 minutes later the pain was so bad I woke Michael up to take me to the hospital. I am so grateful Michael was here to take me to the hospital otherwise I would have had to call an ambulance. No way could I have driven myself. The pain continued to increase to completely intolerable. I can't even remember most of the ride to the hospital. Of course the ER is backed up and it takes probably 30-45 minutes before I can be seen. Meanwhile the pain is so bad I am freaking out and screaming into my jacket, crying and pretty much acting like a fool. I was covered in sweat and doing lamaze breathing just to keep from going insane.I am sure everyone in the ER thought I was being a complete baby but seriously this was the 2nd worse pain I have ever felt. The first was when I had a kidney stone. I pretty much thought I was done for because I couldn't imagine how this was going to turn out good for me.
Anyway, by the time they get to see me the pain had actually started subsiding. Thank the Gods! The most intense pain passed and I was left with a duller pain that I could tolerate and at least speak in complete sentences.
Blood draws, IV starts, IV fluids, an EKG and an ultrasound later the doctor told me I have gallstones. Stones as in more than one. Luckily there didn't seem to be an infection though my white count was slightly up. He gave me a prescription for Vicodin and the name of a surgeon.
I am grateful to know what is going on but anyway...FUCK! I have insurance but it won't cover everything. I am still paying for the CT and MRI I had to get this past summer. Plus, I am terrified of surgery.
Fuck my life.

Samhain pictures

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 14:18:42 GMT

Here is a picture of me and my kitty, Gelfling.

This is a picture of the mask I made for Samhain. I learned the technique from some great teachers: Brian, Wendy and Toby Froud. I took a workshop with them during the summer. I am still learning but I like the way this one turned out.

Really "important" news story

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 06:49:21 GMT

According to an article on the People magazine web site, Britney Spears bought a parakeet today. A yellow one. I saw a link to the article and I just had to read it due to the pure insanity of it actually being "news". I can't even believe this qualifies mentioning. Are we so obsessed with stars that even something as mundane as buying a parakeet becomes important for us to know?
What's next? Will I wake up tomorrow to read that Brad Pitt has reportedly eaten a grape? Am I as much a part of the problem because I actually did read that stupid article about the parakeet?

a dream vision

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 15:05:32 GMT

Right now I pretty much hate consciousness. I crave the calmness and peace of oblivion but when I close my eyes I have horrible nightmares. They involve things that would be exactly the most disturbing to me. They are all about animal mutilation and torture-something that is the most horrific thing in the entire universe that I can imagine. Why would I dream something so horrific? There are visions that haunted me for days. Images so graphic I feel physically ill to recall.
The only other thing I dream of is about a close friend that died this year. It is a very eerie image. He is always standing by me just watching and speaking to me. His mouth moves but no sounds come out.I can't hear what he is saying and then I remember he is dead. I try to speak but he can't hear me either.He fades away while I scream at him to wait and tell me what message he is trying to get across.

What is he trying to tell me?

Feral kitten update

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 14:03:11 GMT

Feral kitten loves me! Made a major breakthrough today and now he kisses me and walks around on my shoulders and purrs like crazy. I am pretty excited. He was a totally wild animal just last week and now he is my buddy. I thought it would take months for him to progress this much. I was able to find out today that he is a little boy. He looks entirely black at first glance but is actually a deep chocolate color mixed with black. I will try to get a picture of him in a few days when he is more settled in. Now I have to think of a name. So far "Gelfling" is in the running. I think I will wait and see if he tells me his true name.

Thanks be to Goddess Bastet for helping me communicate with him that I meant him no harm and wanted to be friends.

Feral kitten

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 01:31:12 GMT

The first phase of Operation Feral Cat Herding is complete. I have in my possession one very frightened black kitten..and I am still in one piece. I can't believe how well my plan to trap him/her? worked. I have been planning the ambush for several days, conditioning it to eat from the trap without setting it and preparing a cage for it to live in once the operation was complete. Now comes the really hard part--trying my hand at taming. He might be too old to tame at this point but at least he can have a visit to the Oregon Feral Cat Coalition to be spayed/neutered and vaccinated. If I don't have any luck with the taming eventually I will release him back into the old barn behind my house where he was born. I really want to give him a chance at a "normal" life though
i am glad he is safe now. I have been worried the coyotes or the barn owls were going to get him. I know he hates me right now and is probably plotting my slow death at the tips of his teeth and claws.
I should make an offering to Bastet tonight and ask for her help with this little one.

Writer's Block: Shopping spree confessions

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 21:39:59 GMT

If you could choose a $1,000 gift certificate for one online store, which would it be and what would you get? Would you share the love with your friends?

View 351 Answers

I would be going straight to Amazon to buy a metric fuck ton of books. Oh, the agony of having to decide which ones to spend it on. It is bad enough when I have $20.00 to spend there. I fret and fret about what stays in my cart. In the process I usually end up adding several more titles to my wish list. It is an unstoppable circle of book buying and book browsing. Considering I live near Powell's Books, which is the best book store in the world, you would think I wouldn't have much use for Amazon. I hate shopping in real life though. Well, maybe not for books so much but just shopping in general-the people, the lines, the endless walking. There is something so grand about sitting here at my computer and browsing until I collapse. So yes, please send my certificate now. I am ready to shop.
Oh, and I might share a little of it with my sister and probably half with my boyfriend.

Writer's Block: Finders keepers?

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 15:26:02 GMT

If you found a $100 at the library, would you pocket it or turn it in? What about at a diner or pub? Confess!

View 1038 Answers

Unless I needed the money for food or survival I would turn it in no matter where I found it. I can only imagine what a bad feeling it must be to realize you have lost your money. Imagine how happy you would make a complete stranger if you returned the cash!
For me turning it in would be the right thing to do. No amount of money is worth a guilty conscience.

It hurts

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 00:39:25 GMT

When I am hit with depression this hard every cell in my body hurts. The best way I can describe it is being covered with a giant, wet blanket that makes it very difficult to move or breath. It hurts to inhale, blink or move my eyes in my sockets. I hurts to shift my weight in my chair. It hurts even typing this. Depression hurts me in a physical way. The physical pain is almost worse than the emotional pain.
All I have to look forward to today is hours and hours of feeling this pain.
I am not doing well.

Writer's Block: How Rude!

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 14:57:03 GMT

What's the rudest thing you've ever asked anyone? And what's the rudest thing you've ever been asked?

Submitted By eternal_vows

View 681 Answers

I have been rude when someone announces that they are pregnant and I ask them what they plan to do about it.

I think it is really rude when someone asks how much money I make. That's a private matter to me. I have found the best answer is "why do you ask?" That usually gives them a hint that they are getting a little too personal.
Another kicker is when people ask me why I got a divorce. Relationships can be so complicated that answer would take all day to give it justice.. I think it is off limits.

A pet peeve

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 16:35:52 GMT

I get upset when I hear of anyone that willingly has sex with someone and then later starts second guessing the whole thing and before you know it they are convinced that amounts to sexual assault. Now I am pretty sure I know what rape looks like because I have been there and done that. For me it involved a whole lot of kicking, screaming and fighting. I don't think there could have been any doubt that I was not consenting to the act. I realize not all rape looks that way. It rarely happens like it does on TV or movies. Usually it is someone the victim knows and usually not the masked figure in the alley way.
I feel like unless someone fears for their life it is their responsibility to tell someone to stop having sex with them if it is not what they want. Even a simple "stop" I feel must always be heeded. No is no and all that. I am not really talking about people that become paralyzed with fear and are unable to react. I am not talking about someone who stays quiet and submits because they are too terrified. I am not talking about anyone that is underage. I am mainly talking about an adult that has sex with another adult, usually as a spontaneous thing and the next day they start thinking about what happened, maybe even feeling a little ashamed that they had casual sex. So they keep tossing the scene back and forth in their mind until they start thinking. "Hmmm...now I didn't say no but I didn't really give the other person permission to have sex with me. Yes, at the time I was going along with it and enjoying it but now, in the light of day I think maybe I didn't want to do it as much as I made out like I did. That sounds like rape to me! Help, I was assaulted and now I feel less guilty about having made a poor decision to have sex with someone I wasn't really ready to"

Anyone that attempts to or has sexual contact with anyone that does not consent to the act is a rapist. But for fuck's sake stop willingly having sex with someone, change your mind and then accuse them of rape.

Writer's Block: It Is What It Is

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 12:03:59 GMT

What oft-repeated quote or common cliché do you find the most annoying when someone says it to you?

View 540 Answers

"It goes without saying..."

Well, if it does that then why are you saying it?

"It could be worse"

Is that supposed to make me feel better? Letting me know that even though something sucks it could actually get even worse. Seriously, stop try to cheer me up will ya?

Weight loss update

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 20:13:30 GMT

I am so happy to say that this morning I weighed myself and I have lost 20 lbs since I started my diet less that two months ago! *Happy Dance*
I have been following a Weight Watcher's diet which I have found to be working out pretty easily. I haven't had many problems sticking to it except an occasional splurge. I still have a long way to go but I feel better after just shedding these few pounds. My clothes fit better and over all I just feel better physically and mentally. I am starting to think I really can do this. Go me! Michael has lost almost 25 pounds. I am so proud of him for sticking it out with me. It helps SO much to have that support.
I haven't been getting as much exercise as I want because I have been spending so much of my time studying for the CCRN test. I am taking that Wednesday so hopefully when that is over I will have more free time.

Writer's Block: Theme Dining

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 11:53:18 GMT

If you were to open your own theme restaurant, what would the theme be and how would you express it to the customers?

View 506 Answers

I always thought it would be fun to open a tarot cafe. All the dishes would be named after tarot cards and the staff would each dress up like a archetype. During the meal, wandering tarot card readers would come to your table and you could get a reading while you dine. I would call the place "The Fool's Journey".

Population Fail

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 04:06:49 GMT

CNN reporting today that world population may hit 7 billion in 2011! I have chosen not to have kids because personally I fucking hate the screaming bastards but here is yet another reason why I am glad my womb has been a barren desert and will remain so.

Quit breeding please. That is all.

Writer's Block: Commercial Appeal

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 15:48:49 GMT

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Writer's Block: Bite Me

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 16:06:43 GMT

From Dr. Polidori's Lord Ruthven to Stephenie Meyer's Edward Cullen, the annals of vampire lore are filled with attractive, charming bloodsuckers. Which one would you most want to be bitten by?

View 513 Answers

The end of the day thoughts

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 16:01:40 GMT

When I am at work I miss Michael so much. The nights seem to drag on forever sometimes when I am waiting to come home to him. When we aren't working we spend almost all of our free time together. It makes being apart feel so...odd. I still like to have time for myself occasionally but this is the first relationship I have been in where I have spent so much time together. Sometimes we might each be doing our own thing but we are still in the same room. This would probably drive some people insane but I don't mind it one bit. If I ever just need space he seems to sense that too. I never feel smothered. I think we both enjoy sharing a lot of our time. I love living with my best friend. He is the best man I have ever met and I feel so lucky to have him in my life. When I look to the future I know now we can never be apart. We are so linked.
When I come home after working all night no matter how bad my night was, no matter how tired I am, no matter what's happening I can feel it all melting away when I get home and he meets me at the door with a hug and kiss. At the end of the day when we crawl into bed together and fall asleep all snuggled up it's the best feeling in the world. The best.
I am going now to take a shower and fall in bed with him to sleep. I am exhausted.

Humiliated

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 06:15:03 GMT

Tonight I was trying to have a discussion with someone and they immediately became defensive and hostile. I had thought about what I wanted to say for awhile and I really tried to phrase it in a productive way. Fail!
The conversation ended up going downhill from there with the other person basically saying that a large percentage of what I say is a complaint so they were just acting accordingly. Being labeled a chronic complainer really hit me hard.
It has been a while since I've felt that humiliated.
I guess I really am a hard person to like. I hate this. It is not how I want to be viewed. That pretty much brings down the total to "zero", the number of people that actually don't think I suck, including me.
Sometimes I really think I have messed up too much in this lifetime to ever redeem myself. I don't want to be this way.
WTF can I do to untangle this crazy web of fuckedupery that I have created around me?
I want to be so much better than this.

They found the fucking moon footage!

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 23:37:30 GMT

www.blogjam.com/neil_armstrong/

Check it out!

emotional words

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 12:03:56 GMT

I found a really neat list of words describing emotions. I thought it might be fun to use them as a catalyst for creativity and writing. For instance, I could take one of the words and describe a time when I have felt that emotion.
Another idea would be to write a short fiction story or poem about the particular emotion.

abandoned ~~ absent-minded ~~ abused ~~ accepted ~~ accused ~~ admired ~~ adored ~~ adrift ~~ affectionate ~~ afraid ~~ aggravated ~~ aggressive ~~ agitated ~~ alarmed ~~ alert ~~ alienated ~~ alive ~~ alone ~~ aloof ~~ alluring ~~ amazed ~~ ambushed ~~ amused ~~ angry ~~ antagonistic ~~ anxious ~~ apathetic ~~ appalled ~~ apologetic ~~ appreciated ~~ appreciative ~~ apprehensive ~~ aroused ~~ ashamed ~~ astonished ~~ attacked ~~ attractive ~~ aware ~~ awestruck ~~ awkward

bad ~~ baffled ~~ bashful ~~ beaten down ~~ belittled ~~ benevolent ~~ berated ~~ betrayed ~~ bewildered ~~ bitter ~~ blamed ~~ blue ~~ bold ~~ bored ~~ bothered ~~ brave ~~ broken ~~ bummed ~~ burdened ~~ burned-out

calm ~~ capable ~~ carefree ~~ careless ~~ caring ~~ cautious ~~ censored ~~ centered ~~ certain ~~ challenged ~~ charmed ~~ cheated ~~ cheerful ~~ cherished ~~ childish ~~ clean ~~ clear ~~ clever ~~ close ~~ closed ~~ clueless ~~ clumsy ~~ cold ~~ comfortable ~~ committed ~~ compassionate ~~ competent ~~ competitive ~~ complacent ~~ complete ~~ concerned ~~ condemned ~~ confident ~~ confused ~~ considerate ~~ contemplative ~~ contempt ~~ content ~~ controlled ~~ convicted ~~ cornered ~~ courageous ~~ cowardly ~~ cranky ~~ crazy ~~ cross ~~ crushed ~~ curious

daring ~~ dashed ~~ dazed ~~ dead ~~ deceived ~~ dedicated ~~ defeated ~~ defenseless ~~ defensive ~~ defiant ~~ degraded ~~ dejected ~~ delicate ~~ delighted ~~ demoralized ~~ dependent ~~ depressed ~~ deprived ~~ deserted ~~ desired ~~ despair ~~ desperate ~~ destroyed ~~ detached ~~ determined ~~ devastated ~~ devious ~~ devoted ~~ different ~~ difficult ~~ dirty ~~ disappointed ~~ disbelieving ~~ discarded ~~ disconnected ~~ discontent ~~ discouraged ~~ disgraced ~~ disgusted ~~ disheartened ~~ dishonest ~~ disillusioned ~~ dismal ~~ dismayed ~~ disobedient ~~ disorganized ~~ disposable ~~ distant ~~ distracted ~~ distressed ~~ disturbed ~~ doubtful ~~ drained ~~ dropped ~~ dull ~~ dumb

eager ~~ ecstatic ~~ edgy ~~ effective ~~ embarrassed ~~ empathetic ~~ empty ~~ enchanted ~~ encouraged ~~ energetic ~~ energized ~~ elated ~~ enlightened ~~ enraged ~~ enriched ~~ entertained ~~ enthusiastic ~~ envious ~~ evasive ~~ evil ~~ exasperated ~~ excited ~~ excluded ~~ exhausted ~~ exhilarated ~~ expectant ~~ exploited ~~ exposed ~~ exuberant

faithful ~~ fake ~~ fantastic ~~ fatigued ~~ fearful ~~ fearless ~~ feisty ~~ fine ~~ flustered ~~ foolish ~~ forgiven ~~ forgiving ~~ forgotten ~~ fortunate ~~ framed ~~ frantic ~~ free ~~ friendly ~~ frightened ~~ frisky ~~ frustrated ~~ fulfilled ~~ full ~~ funny ~~ furious

generous ~~ gentle ~~ giving ~~ grieving ~~ glorious ~~ good ~~ grateful ~~ great ~~ glad ~~ gloomy ~~ grouchy ~~ grumpy ~~ guarded ~~ guilty ~~ gullible

handicapped ~~ happy ~~ hateful ~~ haunted ~~ healthy ~~ heard ~~ heartbroken ~~ helpful ~~ helpless ~~ hesitant ~~ honored ~~ hopeful ~~ hopeless ~~ horrible ~~ horrified ~~ hospitable ~~ hostile ~~ humble ~~ humiliated ~~ hurt ~~ hysterical

idealistic ~~ idiotic ~~ ignorant ~~ ignored ~~ imaginative ~~ immune ~~ impatient ~~ impelled ~~ imperfect ~~ impertinent ~~ important ~~ impressed ~~ impulsive ~~ inadequate ~~ inattentive ~~ incensed ~~ incompetent ~~ incomplete ~~ incredulous ~~ indebted ~~ indecisive ~~ independent ~~ indifferent ~~ industrious ~~ inept ~~ inferior ~~ inflated ~~ informed ~~ infuriated ~~ inhibited ~~ innocent ~~ innovative ~~ inquisitive ~~ insane ~~ insecure ~~ insensitive ~~ insignificant ~~ isolated ~~ insulted ~~ intense ~~ interested ~~ interrogated ~~ interrupted ~~ intimidated ~~ intimate ~~ intrigued ~~ invigorated ~~ invisible ~~ involved ~~ irrational ~~ irresponsible ~~ irritated ~~ irked

jaded ~~ jealous ~~ jinxed ~~ jolly ~~ jovial ~~ joyful ~~ jubilant ~~ judged ~~ judgmental ~~ jumpy ~~ just ~~ justified

kidded ~~ kind ~~ knowledgeable

late ~~ lazy ~~ leery ~~ left out ~~ let down ~~ liable ~~ liberated ~~ lifeless ~~ light-hearted ~~ liked ~~ listened to ~~ logical ~~ lonely ~~ loose ~~ lost ~~ lousy ~~ lovable ~~ loved ~~ loving ~~ lucky

mad ~~ manipulated ~~ mean ~~ meditative ~~ melancholy ~~ merry ~~ mischievous ~~ miserable ~~ misinterpreted ~~ mistreated ~~ misunderstood ~~ mixed up ~~ mocked ~~ modest ~~ molested ~~ moody ~~ motivated ~~ moved ~~ mystified

naive ~~ nasty ~~ needed ~~ needy ~~ negative ~~ neglected ~~ nervous ~~ neurotic ~~ nonchalant ~~ nostalgic ~~ noticed ~~ numb

obeyed ~~ obligated ~~ obvious ~~ odd ~~ offended ~~ old ~~ open ~~ oppressed ~~ optimistic ~~ ornery ~~ out of control ~~ outraged ~~ overcome ~~ overjoyed ~~ overloaded ~~ overwhelmed ~~ overworked ~~ owned

pampered ~~ paralyzed ~~ passionate ~~ passive ~~ patient ~~ peaceful ~~ peeved ~~ pensive ~~ perky ~~ perplexed ~~ persecuted ~~ pessimistic ~~ pestered ~~ petrified ~~ petty ~~ phony ~~ pious ~~ playful ~~ pleased ~~ poor ~~ possessive ~~ positive ~~ powerful ~~ powerless ~~ practical ~~ pressured ~~ private ~~ productive ~~ protected ~~ protective ~~ proud ~~ provoked ~~ prudish ~~ punished ~~ pushy ~~ puzzled

questioned ~~ quiet

rambunctious ~~ reassured ~~ realistic ~~ rebellious ~~ reborn ~~ receptive ~~ reckless ~~ recognized ~~ reconciled ~~ reflective ~~ refreshed ~~ regretful ~~ rejected ~~ rejuvenated ~~ relaxed ~~ released ~~ relieved ~~ reluctant ~~ reminiscent ~~ remorse ~~ renewed ~~ replaced ~~ replenished ~~ repressed ~~ rescued ~~ resentful ~~ reserved ~~ resistant ~~ resourceful ~~ respected ~~ responsible ~~ restricted ~~ revengeful ~~ revitalized ~~ rich ~~ ridiculous ~~ right ~~ rigid ~~ robbed ~~ romantic ~~ rotten ~~ rushed

sabotaged ~~ sad ~~ safe ~~ sassy ~~ satisfied ~~ saved ~~ scared ~~ scolded ~~ scorned ~~ secure ~~ seductive ~~ self-assured ~~ self-centered ~~ self-confident ~~ self-conscious ~~ self-destructive ~~ self-reliant ~~ selfish ~~ sensitive ~~ sentimental ~~ serene ~~ serious ~~ sexy ~~ skillful ~~ shamed ~~ shaken ~~ sheepish ~~ shocked ~~ shunned ~~ shy ~~ sick ~~ silenced ~~ silly ~~ sincere ~~ sinful ~~ slandered ~~ sluggish ~~ small ~~ smart ~~ smothered ~~ skeptical ~~ solemn ~~ soothed ~~ sorry ~~ special ~~ spiteful ~~ splendid ~~ spunky ~~ squashed ~~ stifled ~~ stimulated ~~ stingy ~~ strained ~~ stretched ~~ stressed ~~ strong ~~ stubborn ~~ stumped ~~ stunned ~~ stupid ~~ submissive ~~ successful ~~ suicidal ~~ suffocated ~~ sullen ~~ sunk ~~ super ~~ superior ~~ supported ~~ sure ~~ surly ~~ surprised ~~ suspicious ~~ sympathetic

tacky ~~ tactful ~~ talented ~~ talkative ~~ tame ~~ tarnished ~~ tasteful ~~ tearful ~~ teased ~~ tenacious ~~ tender ~~ tense ~~ tepid ~~ terrible ~~ terrific ~~ terrified ~~ tested ~~ testy ~~ thankful ~~ thoughtful ~~ threatened ~~ thrifty ~~ thrilled ~~ tired ~~ tormented ~~ torn ~~ tortured ~~ tough ~~ tragic ~~ tranquil ~~ transformed ~~ trapped ~~ treasured ~~ trembly ~~ tremendous ~~ tricked ~~ troubled ~~ trusted

ugly ~~ unaccepted ~~ unappreciated ~~ unbalanced ~~ unburdened ~~ uncanny ~~ uncomfortable ~~ unconcerned ~~ uneven ~~ unfit ~~ unfriendly ~~ united ~~ unjust ~~ unknown ~~ unneeded ~~ unpleasant ~~ unreal ~~ unruly ~~ unwise ~~ uplifted ~~ used ~~ useless

vacant ~~ vague ~~ vain ~~ valid ~~ valued ~~ vexed ~~ vicious ~~ victimized ~~ victorious ~~ violated ~~ vivid ~~ void

wacky ~~ warlike ~~ warm ~~ warmhearted ~~ warned ~~ wary ~~ wasted ~~ weak ~~ wealthy ~~ weary ~~ weird ~~ whole ~~ wild ~~ willful ~~ wishful ~~ witty ~~ worldly ~~ worse ~~ worthy ~~ wounded ~~ wrong

yearning ~~ yellow ~~ yielding ~~ young ~~ youthful

zany ~~ zealous

Why does this have to happen:(

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 21:45:49 GMT

I don't think I have ever before felt the overwhelming sadness I am feeling right now. Why is it that when life already has me down it isn't content? I must now be spit on, kicked, shit on and left lying in a fetal position on my bathroom floor. I have been having a very hard time recently. I have been trying to deal with living a life isolated away from any support other than my boyfriend. Most days it is a struggle just to get up and try to go about some resemblance of a normal life. I've cried almost every day either openly or secretly. I lock myself in the bathroom at work and whisper-scream into a balled up piece of tissue. I lie and tell my coworkers my eyes are red because of allergies. Barely hanging on. So close to the edge.
So now I get this horrible bit of news that has devastated me. The owners of this house are selling it. Finding this place to live was the best thing that had happened to me in quite a few years. One of the only good things I could point at and say, "hey, that's a part of my life that is good". That one thing. Now I have to move and I feel like I just can't do this. It cost about $5000 just 6 months ago. How am I supposed to have that kind of money to move. The landlord has tentatively agreed to sign a 4 month lease with us so we have time to move. When I moved I thought it would be for a long time. How can I stand living here knowing soon it is going away. I was taking walks in the orchards almost every day, now I can't even look out the window because I feel like crying. I love this place. I probably can't explain this enough in text but living here is extremely important to my mental state. It was a pivotal moment for me feeling like for once something good happened.I am so lost and hurting so bad. I can't do this again. I don't have the strength. Why can't life just give me a break? I can't bear this. I feel like I really can't pick myself up and brush myself off this time. I am tired. Very, deeply tired of fighting this fight.
I've considered ending my life. I won't because I promised my bf I wouldn't. I don't want to hurt anyone but I am dying inside. I already feel dead. I feel like an animated piece of meat. I feel soul less. I feel like a husk of a human.

Post secret hits the mark

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 02:47:35 GMT

I saw this on post secret this morning and I couldn't believe how much I could relate to it. Yeah, yeah, kinda emo I know but I have been trying to figure out how I can get out of my shell a bit to meet people. The longer I go without friends the harder it gets to get out there and meet people.

This is a vicious cycle I have gotten myself into. I really don't know how to get out of this loop. I have to get my courage up enough to just be around people and in situations where I might meet interesting people. I have so much anxiety though it makes it hard to over come my fears where I can feel comfortable in a social setting. Also it sucks that I feel so depressed because that certainly doesn't attract others. I don't think I would want to be friends with me when I am being such a sour puss.

I love being a pagan but sometimes I am envious of religions that have a temple on every street. How much easier it would be to just be able to go to church and meet like minded people. I have gone to one of the local pagan meet-ups and it went well though I felt extremely self conscious. I haven't been able to get up my nerve to go to another one.

Trying to deal with this is a work in progress.

Good, good, bad and the mouse

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 01:07:29 GMT

Good: I lost 7 lbs this first week. I don't expect to lose it all that quickly but it was nice to see some noticeable difference so quickly.

Good: I went to see a neurologist this week. He wasn't too worried about the abnormalities on my MRI. I have to get another MRI of my cervical spine and a follow up one in 6 months to see if the changes are progressing. The best thing I got out of the visit was samples of a migraine medication call Relpax. The amazing news is that it WORKED! Two times now I have had a migraine and within 40 minutes of taking the Relpax is was 90% better. I am really excited since this is the first medication I've tried that actually made a difference.

Bad: I have felt so depressed this week, especially today. I feel so lonely and at this rate I am starting to worry that I will never have friends again. I would give anything to be able to just have a friend to hang out with some time. I feel so isolated.

The mouse: The past few weeks I have been thinking I saw a mouse in the house. A few times I caught a glimpse of something black of the corner of my eye. This week we finally saw the mouse. He has decided it wants to live underneath my altar. Last night I got a good glimpse of him and he is so tiny, gray and cute. No way can I kill him. I know I need to get a live trap to try to put him outside but instead I left him a little bowl of water and some cereal out as an offering which he accepts readily.